Categorize This!

I was reading about Sub-Genre and decided to put in a comment.  Only, my comment soon took a life of it’s own.  (“It’s alive!”)  It wasn’t long before I had an entire blog post.  I hope you enjoy this little tale ;)

— — —

“Hey, what’cha doin’?”


“That looks like the same book you’ve been reading for months.  Are you rereading it over and over?”

“This is the ninth book in the series, moron.  Can’t you tell the difference?”

“I’m sorry, I haven’t looked all that closely.  I really haven’t noticed any difference in the covers.  What’s up?”

“OK, if you are so blind, I’ll tell you.  The first letter in the first word of the title changes for each volume.  It’s super obvious.”

“What’s this series about, then?”

“This high school girl is a bit of an outcast.  Of course she’s super pretty, ultra-smart, has the greatest personality in the world and comes from a rich family with all of the right social values, but her classmates just don’t understand.”

“Of course not.  Poor girl.”

“She meets a mysterious boy.  At the end of the first book she realizes that he’s a werewolf.”

“Not a vampire?  Too bad.”

“Actually, in the second book it turns out that the werewolf’s rival is a vampire.  He’s also in love with the girl.  Of course, as everyone knows, werewolves and vampires are mortal enemies.”

“Of course.  Ever since the ‘Dusk’ series, at least. And so this guy is part of a veggie vampire group?  Or is the werewolf a veggie?”

“The vampires are scientists and make an artificial blood while the werewolves only eat in human form, so eat what you and I do, not people.”


“But there are evil wolves and vampires that do prey on people.  Not only is there a war between vampires and werewolves, but between synthetic vamps and blood thirsty ones, and wild wolves and domestic ones.”

“Hmmm…  Do they wear collars?  No, no, scratch that.  Not with your hind paw…  Oh, sorry.  Which book does that take us to?”

“Four.  After that, the girl finds herself in love with both.  But something happens.  Zombies.”

“Oh, why didn’t I guess?”

“Right.  So these zombies come in and kill people.  Some of the people they kill turn into zombies.”


“But in book seven we discover that when someone dies by being killed by a zombie, their brains and all of the moving parts are replaced by gears and wires and pulleys and such.  They are almost like totally mechanical robots with flesh bodies.  The bodies slowly decay, like other zombies, you know.”

“OK.  Seems, well, why these robo-zombies?”

“They discover that the zombies were created by the evil vampires to kill the good vampires.”


“Although the evil vampires are scientists too, they are stuck with 19th century or early 20th century technology.  I think that’s when they are all made into vampires.  They’re very clever, but the vampires are stuck in the time from when they become vampires.”

“It makes a twisted kind of sense.”

“So they have this very advanced society but there are no electronics.  There are mechanical computers, some of which are used in the brains of the zombies, but no electronics of any type.  Not even old fashioned tubes.  And yet they are more advanced than us in some ways.”

“Of course they are.”

“So at the end of book eight, a starship from a system just to the east of Betelgeuse goes into orbit.  The little green aliens want to plug all of the humans into some sort of hyperspace network so they act like one being.  Werewolves and vampires, of course, can’t be connected.  So all of the vampires and werewolves, both the good ones and the bad ones, join forces to stop the invasion.  The captain of the starship falls in love with the girl and sees her as the key for getting all of humanity on the network.”

“Bless his little green heart, of course he does.  Why not?  She’s beautiful, rich…  So, that was the end of book eight.  What’s happening in the current book?”

“The core group escapes to the mountains.  They fall into a cave and are captured by goblins.  The elves rescue them.  The girl falls in love with a handsome elf.  And, well, that’s as far as I got.”

“What did you say the title of this series was?”

“‘The Cliché Wars’”


“Yes, and there’s also a subtitle.”

“Oh, the suspense…”

“‘Categorize This!’.”

“Right.  The reviewers’ nightmare.”

“How did you know the tag line?”

“Oh, just a lucky guess….”


12 thoughts on “Categorize This!

  1. Pingback: Discussion Highlights: Sub-Genre Abyss | MNBernard Books

  2. Pingback: If We Were Having Coffee on the 15th of July, 2017 | Trent's World (the Blog)

  3. Sandra Conner

    What a great piece of satire. Good work, Trent. And, frankly, in my opinion, long overdue in the literary world. The levels to which the writing and reading public have sunk in this, seemingly endless pursuit of netherworld creatures and their sexual exploits is nauseating. I know you intended this to be funny (and it is) but it really does make an important serious statement.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Adam

    Wow, that is pretty funny. And yet, I can’t decide whether that’s actually a brilliant idea for a writing project. I feel like it could be written in the same style as Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy and actually work.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. trentpmcd Post author

      I think it might work up until the part were the aliens come in. And I agree, there would need to be a healthy dose of Douglas Adams’ style thrown in to make it work. On the other hand, I just might do a steampunk style zombie book…

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Adam

        I dunno, I feel like that “too far” element with the aliens and the elves kindof nails it down as what it is. Otherwise I feel like there could be a question among readers as to whether or not it’s actually meant to be serious. The same way that I feel Mel Brooks’s films often make it completely clear that they’re not taking themselves seriously at all.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. trentpmcd Post author

          You have a point. It might need that step into being totally ridiculous. My favorite Mel Brooks is Young Frankenstein. Through a lot of it the characters don’t realize they are in a farce, but then there will be something totally ridiculous or off the wall. The bit of straight-faced acting makes the slapstick moments that much funnier, yet the slapstick moments are need to get the deeper belly laughs instead of just the chuckles.

          Liked by 1 person


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